High Steaks League

Party people, lend me your ergs. We could all probably stand to lose a few pounds and exercise some more. We all also know exercise for it’s own sake can be dramatically dull. In the following 5 paragraph essay I will propose the solution: A little friendly family competition. The Basis: The competition will be based on the Beginner Pete Plan, a 24 week get off yer buts program. Each week has 3 mandatory exercise sessions and 2 more just for funsies. It focuses on developing Endurance, Powa, and Endurance Powa. We are all now in possession of Ergs, and the little computery bits (assuming Elias ever picked his up off the porch) that connect to your phone and an app that will upload the results to the Concept2 log book, we can all check on the competition with some assurance that they aren’t just trivially lying their asses off. They’re going to have to work those off instead. The Scoring: Obviously it’s not much of a competition without points. No one is playing hand and foot for the joy of shuffling. Every 2 weeks for the first 8 weeks, and every 4 weeks subsequently, point read outs will be tabulated and distributed, and a ceremonial round of shit talking may commence at contestant discretion. Also obviously, the points will need some sort of leveling, otherwise the fattest amongst us just win by default. It’s way easier to lose 5 lbs if you weigh 1000 lbs than if you way 10 lbs, thats just math, and also the clearest fat advantage outside of professional eating competitions or buoyancy tests. This leveling will largely be done by percentage improvements in the following categories: 1) Weight 10 points per percentage decrease from initial weigh in. Stats to be reported every 4 weeks after competition begins 2) Endurance Improvement The average wattage of the fourth scheduled steady state piece will be compared with the average wattage of the last steady state piece. Point totals to be awarded on percentage wattage improvement 3) Powa Improvement The average wattage of the fourth scheduled powa piece will be compared with the average wattage of the last steady state piece. Point totals to be awarded on percentage wattage improvement 4) Endurance Powa Improvement The average wattage of the fourth scheduled endurance powa piece will be compared with the average wattage of the last steady state piece. Point totals to be awarded on percentage wattage improvement 5) Consistency The first 3 workouts of a given week are worth 1 point each. The extra 2 just for funsies are worth 2 points each. There is no catch up or cramming here, the workouts must be completed between the Monday and Sunday of the week in question, or they don’t count. No 120 workouts on the last day for you. 6) The Extra Miles If and only if a contestant has finished their 5 programmed workouts, with split times better than or equal to the equivalent workouts of the previous week, they may optionally pursue extra credit, at the rate of 1 point per 5000 additional meters rowed. The Steaks: Bragging rights are all well and good, as is mocking the losers. These forces have driven countless lazy susans covered in cards in endless, endless circles. They are not however, in my opinion, enough to drive 24 weeks of competition. Even the longest of card games rarely lasts more than a fortnight. To compensate for this, the losers of the competition shall pay caloric tribute to the winner. A 5,000 calorie minimum is required, as is 1 other tribute agreeing that it is in fact delicious, but 10,000+ in caloric tribute is recommended. Exceptions can be made for sufficiently delicious but also somehow mysteriously low calorie fare with the approval of the victor. The Cheating: As obviously as it is not a game without points, it is equally clear that we’re all going to try and cheat. If you were to check the air vents by the table in the purple party palace, I’m sure you’d find a number of aces and jokers far in excess of what could strictly be considered normal for an air vent. Also that glass table should really have 1 way mirror film affixed to the bottom, it is way too easy to see someone’s hole cards with your phone. Many of the available points are slightly irksome to cheat. The 165 total points available for just doing every workout, for example, is relatively binary. The weight percentage points can be roughly eyeballed if large enough to be determining factors in competition, and scales exist. The extra miles either happened or they didn’t. Point categories 2 through 4 are the most susceptible to sandbagging, and should be executed in good faith. Since that’s not gonna happen, any contestant may call “Bullshit!” by texting the same to the rest of the contestants. The bullshiter may then make their case to the bullshittees, and if a majority rules “Bullshit!”, I, as the benevolent professor McGonagal in this scenario, shall deduct an appropriate number of points or otherwise redress the grievance. Since I’ve already done the beginnings of this plan this year, in good faith and without the thought of the competition, I already have an established baseline that can be reverted to should sandbaging bullshit be called. In the event of some unforeseen bullshit accusation leveled against me, personally, the normal majority rule of determining yay or nay on the charge of bullshit shall be followed, and Norm shall appoint my McGongagal for subsequent point adjustment. In Conclusion: The competition shall be scheduled to begin on the first Monday of October, by reading this email you somehow agree to be legally bound by all terms contained within and also agree that I’m the cool one. Pretty sure that’s how all those legal disclaimer footers in emails and TOS agreement dialogues work. Also I needed a 5th paragraph.